Honesty

I have been having trouble gathering my thoughts lately. I feel scattered and unfocused.

I had a sleep study done a couple months ago, and recently received the results: …I’m a good sleeper. I was surprised, considering I’ve been exhausted for so many years. Even the specialist and my doctor were surprised. So, back to the drawing board.

I broke down crying in my doctor’s office. She’s been my family doctor for almost fifteen years; she’s very aware of my many ups and downs. I trust her and feel comfortable with her, which is a big part of the battle. I told her how stressed out I am and how I feel like a burden. How I’m so, so tired all the time and no matter what tests we do or what we try, nothing is helping.

She listened. She told me we would figure it out. We discussed ways to help reduce my stress, and now I’m trying a combination of Celexa and Wellbutrin. Hopefully I feel more ‘even’ soon.

I’ve been a mess. I apply for jobs daily, I send follow up emails, I do all the things I’m supposed to, and still – nothing. This feeds into feeling like a useless drain. I beat myself up a lot; my inner dialogue is horrendous. Intellectually I know that I need to think more positively and not be so hard on myself but damn, it’s difficult. My friendships and relationships are suffering and all I can do is worry about it. I either don’t know how to fix it or I can’t fix it.

What I need to do: let go, and chill out.

Clearly, both are easier said than done.

Would she be proud of me?

The older I get, the more twists and turns life takes.

I have been thinking about my younger self recently. What would she think of the woman I am today? Would she be proud?

My teenage self had big plans. I was going to be a successful child psychologist with my own home and a big happy family by the time I hit 30. Here is what happened instead: Around age 19 I had a breakdown during the last bit of university, (I almost flunked out thanks to then-untreated anxiety and depression), so I moved home and got a part time job and worked on a Sociology degree by correspondence. I have always been fascinated by people and why we do what we do, so the switch from studying psychology to sociology wasn’t too daunting of a leap.

I got pregnant. I struggled to complete my degree in the midst of a failing relationship and the sleepless newborn and toddler phases. I left the relationship with a three year old and a few boxes of belongings. At age 25, I had nothing. Or rather, that’s how I felt. I had the love and support of family and friends and my small daughter. I had a hard won university degree.

I decided to go back to school in 2016. That fall was the start of a new chapter that ended with convocation last week. I did it; I got my college diploma in Executive Office Admin. The journey was a rough one. I made friends; and I lost some, too. I dealt with a messy breakup in the midst of it. I’m stronger now.

No, I’m not where I thought I would be. I’m in a different place, still figuring out what I want and what it means to be fulfilled. I don’t have that white picket fence existence I thought I’d have by now, and that’s okay.

It’s okay.